entry one // the ups and downs of pregnancy
To say the last six and a half months have been a whirlwind would be an understatement.
Time goes by so fast.
I virtually disappeared from all of my social media accounts after I found out I was pregnant again. Not because I was necessarily upset, but more because I was in shock that I would have to give birth to another child so soon.
I just had my son Quanah in August of 2017, and was finally getting my bearings on what I wanted to do for myself and my career post-graduation. This was something I did not get much of a chance to do since I had my son three months after finishing my undergraduate degree.
In my opinion, women — when transitioning into motherhood — lose a piece of themselves as an individual in exchange for the gift of becoming a mother. A woman’s career, their wishes, and dreams are pushed to the side due to a significant amount of societal expectations and roles placed upon them.
I experienced that loss first hand. In my first pregnancy, I was denied two job opportunities due to my delivery date. I was criticized when I didn’t act particularly motherly. I was told to “slow down” my personal growth months after I had given birth and finally gone back to work. This did not happen to my husband, and as much as I love him, the expectations placed on him versus me, and how they were showcased on us both, made me incredibly resentful towards him.
The amount of emotion I felt after finding out about my current pregnancy combined with the heavy amount of sickness I felt in my first trimester made it almost impossible to get anything done work wise or personally. This sent me into a very dark depression and I couldn’t creatively produce anything. I physically looked like I was being drained. So I hid.
I felt isolated, alone, and embarrassed.
Being where I am now, I wish I had spoken up about my current pregnancy sooner. There was a large amount of embarrassment surrounding my pregnancy simply because it was unplanned, but the pride within myself also hindered me from getting proper care or reaching out for help when I absolutely needed it. I could’ve put both my child’s and my life in a very dangerous situation simply because I didn’t say anything.
Photo by: Izabel Chalker, LXH Studios
Photo by: Izabel Chalker, LXH Studios
Additionally, my confidence during this pregnancy — much like my last — took a huge hit. I weighed 93 pounds prior to getting pregnant again. I am already a tiny human being. Clothes don’t fit me well to begin with. Being pregnant and not only not being able to fit my current wardrobe, but also not being able to fit any maternity clothes, has brought me an extreme amount of anxiety. I have not felt beautiful throughout this pregnancy until recently, and the work it took for me to mentally get to the space was a incredibly difficult.
I am so excited to be bringing life into the world one last time.
And yes, this is the last time I will be bringing a child of my own into this world. I have gotten so many responses — and unfortunately mainly from other women — that question my husband and I’s decision in that.
“You’re going to want to have my children later on.” You’re right. I will and do want more children later on in life. My family and I wish to adopt and can’t do that if we keep popping babies out like firecrackers. There are too many babies without parents who need a loving home, and my spouse and I want to provide that when we’re financially able to.
“What if something happens to your husband and you remarry?” If God-forbid something happened to my husband, I’m. still. not. going. to. want. to. make. any. children. of. my. own.
“You’re so young, are you sure you can be so secure in that decision?” Yes. Speaking frankly, women are often looked down upon about starting families young. Additionally, women get talked about if they are in their thirties, married, and hadn’t had children yet. Either way it goes. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don’t. The seriousness of the decision being made to this being the last pregnancy we’re participating in should not be determined on our age.
This pregnancy has been such a journey.
I am absolutely blessed to be able to bring another life into this world. I have friends who cannot conceive, who have lost children due to miscarriage, or who were born stillborn. This child may not have been in my husband and I’s plan, but this child is not a mistake. They are not an accident. They have purpose. They have a name. They have a sibling who will love them unconditionally. I love my little family and cannot wait for it to grow a bit more.
Participating in this shoot with my friend Izabel was a blast and totally out of nowhere. She challenged me to be flexible and embrace my body in my most vulnerable state, while showcasing that the beauty I have has no bounds. I am grateful for her friendship and artistry.
